Oh boy, you’re in jail. Ignore the fact that it sucks, or that your 49ers jersey is really making Julio in the Raiders gear and mean-looking facepaint give you the evil eye. You could never pee with somebody else in the public bathroom, and now you’re faced with the prospects of dropping trou in front of crazy homeless guys and male prostitutes. Let’s face it – it’s a precarious situation, and you could use some advice; granted, the best advice is probably not to respond to a shutdown of cellphone service which was intended to stop a possible riot by illegally assembling and interrupting and endangering the lives of innocent people. It’s tough to win an argument about the violation of your first amendment rights by violating other people’s first amendment rights, isn’t it? Oh well. You’re in jail now, so here’s some tips:

1. Get yourself a damn good San Francisco Criminal Defense Attorney. Trust me, when that overweight, overworked online-university law-degree having public defender with 4000 other cases to handle waddles in to speak to you and shakes your hand with his sweaty, mustard-covered palms, you’re going to wish you went with somebody who was at least one-tenth of the lawyer that Saul Goodman on the TV show Breaking Bad is.

2. Remember, you’re not in a co-ed jail. That “hot blonde” in the corner with the ample bosom and delicious-looking Adam’s apple may seem cute, but as liberal as San Francisco is, you won’t end up in jail with a woman. Try to hold off on making a move until you see if Victor/Victoria over there stands up to pee.

3. When you get out on bail, drink your problems away. That’s if you get out on bail.  Jail isn’t fun, and jail in downtown San Francisco may be interesting, but once you see how the wine gets made you’re going to want to high-tail it out of there. Go to Napa, get some sun, relax, but don’t relax too much. The last thing you want is to have to go looking for a good San Francisco DUI Attorney, too.